Why has the Middle East been plagued by divisiveness for centuries? The answer is simple; it’s hot. Imagine waking up every day to a temperature of 112 degrees Fahrenheit. By 3:00 pm, the thermometer reaches 119 degrees. (On the plus side, there’s no humidity! I’m just fucking with you; it’s still hotter than a camel’s scrotum). On a cool day, the temperature just might dip to a chilly 108 degrees. That’s what people there are facing. They wake up pissed off and stay that way all day long. It’s no wonder that most conversations in Beirut sound like two brothers in-law going into business with each other.
The answer to all of this is also simple; give everyone in the Middle East who is not a member of a royal family or a psychotic dictator some air conditioning. I’m sure even aliens in distant galaxies are perplexed that we haven’t figured this out yet. “Why haven’t the idiot Earthlings considered air conditioning as a peace tool? Duh…of course, they’re idiot Earthlings!”
I know what you’re thinking, sure air conditioning, I’m with ya, but how are the people of the Middle East going to power these air conditioners? Most of the population cannot afford an entry level Toyota Yaris, much less build and maintain your average power plant. Here again, the answer is also simple; by using their most abundant power asset and cause of their misery to begin with – the sun! Yes, they can go solar and get that huge Baghdad Energy Tax Credit. (Of course, they must be sure to get an Energy Star rated unit to qualify).
You might also be thinking, “Who is going to pay for all these air conditioners?” Well, NATO should be an obvious choice, possibly the UN. Why would they? Because air conditioners are cheaper than any single product made by General Dynamics, that’s why.
Getting the key players to discuss peace should also be simple. Peace talks will not be held in Paris or Geneva, they’ll be held in a stand-alone building in the Sahara and the air will be cranked up to a sweet 66 degrees. Who’s going to walk out in a huff on these talks? Nobody. It’s hard to stop a Trane.